love is hell; hell is love

I just finished a delicious cigarette, out on the porch, overlooking the pond that’s right outside my apartment. I watch a storm roll in, I watched the drops hit the water, first slowly; then quicker. I heard the train in the background. I felt as though I was somewhere other than where I was.

I haven’t smoked a cigarette in years; not the way I have been. There is such a comfort in the way the tobacco tastes, smells; in all the memories that my senses are overloaded with when simply lighting it. I feel incredibly stressed, but if someone was to ask me why, I’m not sure I would have any specific thing to attribute it to. I haven’t been feeling myself; but I think I hate that saying, because it implies that I inherently know what “myself” is. I feel lonely, which is strange, because I’ve been more social in the last six months than I have been in the last four years, which is saying something: plans at least once a week, often more. It’s strange, because everyone I feel like I can even say I’m “close” to, lives far away. I really think I’ll be moving into better parts of MOCSA’s service area: I’m fucking done with the suburbs.

Which reminds me that I have been listening to the best types of music lately. Albums that are awesome: “The Suburbs” – Arcade Fire; “Brothers” -The Black Keys; “Knives Don’t Have Your Back” -Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton; “Broken Bells” -Broken Bells; and all the singles Kanye’s been dropping recently. Seriously though, check those albums out. Especially The Black Keys and the Arcade Fire. Damn, they are epic.

I feel stuck. I’ve been saying that off and on for months now, but it’s strange; sometimes I feel it, and sometimes I feel content. Content is such a complicated word; I wonder if to me it feels more like settling. And, if this is settling, what will not settling look like? I feel like I need to/want to go back to school; but do I? I feel like I need a life plan; I feel like I had a life plan; I feel like plans are unnecessary to have.

I feel lost.

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