I was looking at old pictures of my on facebook, and it left me with a mixture of longing and relief. pictures of the 1125 group (Lynds, Emily, Tyler, Peter, Phily, Ian, Dan etc etc) made me feel for the first time in a long time accepted and appreciated. Because of my friendships with them, I suddenly knew everyone in Lawrence, and everyone knew me. and despite “knowing” everyone, I always knew my friends and I had more fun than anyone else (mafia!). I went out every night of the week, and even if we were doing nothing, it was doing something. I miss that deep sense of connectedness, and that reassurance that there would always be something to do and someone to do it with.
I miss who I was at the point in my life. I was so selfish, and I loved it. I loved fucking everything up, I loved doing what I want. I miss living with Bri, and seeing my best friend every day. I miss saying goodnight to her every night. Sometimes I wonder if we could all ever go back to that, and the answer is no. Well, maybe it’s not for everyone else, but it is for me. I’m older and I have more responsibilities, and I can’t fuck around or fuck up anymore. I have one more year of hell as an undergrad (school, work, practicum, volunteering, boyfriend, sanity) in order to prepare for graduate school, which will start the JUNE after I graduate (May). I don’t feel like doing drugs or drinking excessively anymore, and I definitely cannot handle the drama at all. What I was really doing was making inappropriate, unsafe decisions that were killing me on the inside. Now, I can’t guarantee my choices now are any better (I can tell you, they’re not), but at least they’re not so obviously stupid. And, now I have a love I could never even have imagined then.
But I miss everyone. And looking at those pictures filled me with an overbearing loneliness.