ugh ugh ugh, i shouldn’t have gotten myself into this

it’s the same questions i’ve been wrestling with the last several years, and i’m sick of dealing with them. the answers don’t even matter anymore, but at the same time i want to be ANGRY. i want my sense of despair and self-something. it’s bullshit, and i don’t want to be where i was two or three years ago, and i’m incredibly proud of the person i’ve become (and alternately the persons that haven’t changed), but still, putting myself in this situation is frustrating.

keep working and doing, and you will accomplish. i wish, though, i had a bit of time to rest on someone who understands. sometimes when i lose faith in how much i have to do, i think about reading rand. her books always fuel me to keep working without fail (even though she’s sort of a nutjob, but then again so am i). i just want to explain how i feel and why i think my standards are so high, but there’s no one that really understands.

it makes the falls that much faster and higher and harder (and daft punk-y, i guess).

i wish i could make more sense, (and not sound so much like the person i want to be, but can’t). emotional ties are so…controversial. i want them, i love them, i need them. i want to be alone and suffer and expand. in that respect, i am more proud of the way i was, and the ability i had to shun away emotional attachments (or the appearance of ability).

i’m so fucking upset.

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