sense of (self to be exact)

i’ve decided that i’m going to use this blog to attempt to figure myself out better, so that in my practicum next year, and when i finally move into the professional world, i can use the information on myself to help my clients (not in the way, to use my experiences to justify theirs, although perhaps on some level unintentionally, but more in the way so that my experiences don’t hinder my judgement).

i’m reading this post in a blog of one of my classmates in social work. she’s so insightful about her alcohol dependency and her relationship with not only alcohol but with the 12-step program, her and her boyfriend’s dependency and the constant struggle.

i guess it just made me realize i have so much to admit before i even begin to self correct. i’m terrified that i’ll never be able to get over my own hangups (so many there are), in order to help others. i’m emotionally fragile and hopeless, and i can’t ever seem to leave anything behind.

while, on the one hand, i’ve been able to find and accept what exactly my problems are (define them, to better explain) i have never found a solution, and also completely reject any possible half-solutions (i.e. therapy, meds, etc. etc.). i call them half-solutions because they don’t fix the problems, and while therapy especially could have some beneficial aspects, i tend to disregard it. this is due to the fact that i usually say something along the lines of, “what the hell are they going to say! they can’t make anything go away.” this stems from my idea that on some level, therapists are supposed to offer constructive ways to deal with or remove the basis of the problem. and i just don’t think that’s possible. i’ll never NOT be sick (so on so on, i’m beginning to ramble).

i’m conflicted, i guess i mean to say. i know that seemed like a half entry, like maybe there should be more written, but i’m at a loss as to where i wanted to go with this.

on a completely unrelated note, i like mentioning these things, so i will, i’ve been listening to voxtrot, and it makes me happy. specifically, the songs, “the start of something,” “raised by wolves,” and “mothers, sisters, daughters & wives.”

here, i’ve posted a song, so you can listen to, “raised by wolves,” if you wish.

Raised by Wolves – Voxtrot

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