This is a word we use to plug
holes with. It’s the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts. Add lace
and you can sell
it. We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions. There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love, you can
rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn’t what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.

Then there’s the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It’s not love we don’t wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It’s a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

via apanopoly

Alex (my boyfriend) is an awesome photographer who works at the Lawrence Journal-World, has interned at the Topeka Capitol Journal, and works for the University Daily Kansan (the University of Kansas school newspaper). He and I have worked on a new website for him, and you should check it out.

He’s available for all your photo needs (portraits -including senior portraits, concert photography, wedding or engagement photography and other events, and/or landscape photography), so you should tell all your friends!

http://abonhamcarter.weebly.com

PS: He also has a blog he plans on using to update all of his latest photographs. It’s a work in progress, but you can go here: http://abonhamcarter.blogspot.com/ if you want more info.

PPS: You can see examples of his work here:
http://www.kansan.com/staff/alex_bonhamcarter/

New York City Skyline
(copyright A.Bonham-Carter 2008)

While I have found most of my classes dis-interesting and unhelpful this year, there was a conversation this morning in my Practice class that I found very relevant. One of the other students in the class mentioned that she was having trouble with not bringing her social work practicum back home with her. That is, she was having a hard time separating work from home, which is an essential (and extremely difficult) skill to learn as a social worker. We were having a sort of open forum discussion in class, and my classmates and I developed a few things that I think help with this issue. Often social work manuals or guide suggest “take a shower” or “light a candle” but I don’t care if I light 100,000 candles, it’s not going to get my mind off of what happened at work. So, instead, I think I will post some of the suggestions my classmates had to see if these seem more reasonable. If you think of more, please feel free to add to them (I’m mostly talking to Katie, since she’s the only social worker I know who reads this), but also anyone else!

1. Find someone other than a loved one to vent with (ie not a husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife). This is because, while you may love and cherish your loved one, if all you do after work is bring back terrible things to your significant other, it is sure to destroy the relationship. Now, I don’t think this matters for ALL relationships, but I definitely use it for mine, and I think it helps. Firstly, my boyfriend isn’t a social work student; he won’t have the skills to deal with these issues like I will, so bringing him, essentially secondary trauma, will be negative. Also, I have plenty of wonderful things to talk with Alex. The negativity at work do not have to be a part of that (though I definitely share the positives). Sometimes Alex will ask me how my day went, but luckily I have a pretty easy way out of a bad conversation: both of the agencies I work with (WTCS & MOCSA) have strict confidentiality clauses. Anytime I’m uncomfortable with how my day went or am upset, by stating I can’t tell him what happened that day due to confidentiality, I ensure that I don’t take it home to him.
2. When finding that other person to vent to, see if you can find someone who is a social worker. This can either be someone at your agency (for example, a supervisor) who you talk to for 15 minutes, or a friend you have who is a social work student. My friend Lauren and I carpool to work Wednesdays/Thursdays there and back to KCMO (45 mins-one and a half hours depending on the time we leave). This is an awesome time for both of us to talk. Not only do we get constructive criticism from each other, we also get to talk to someone who may or may not understand being in that situation better (that is being a student in a difficult situation at practicum).
3. Have something to look forward to (cooking dinner, good food, a good movie, snuggling, sleep, etc.) at the end of the work day. That way you can focus on this instead of the negativeness.
4. Make lists of what you need to do (both ongoing and on a short term level). That way you can feel good and accomplished when you can cross something off of that list, and still organize your time to get the energy to complete what’s left on the list.

This is just a short list of the things that stood out in my head. I think it’s essential to learn self-care because burnout is so damn prevalent in the social work profession. I might have mentioned this in a previous post (I can’t remember now), but my practice instructor, Megan, said something to me a few weeks ago that really stood out in my head. She basically stated that I should ask myself if I felt like I had anything to give to my clients. And if the answer was no, then I needed to change something. Because this is a helping profession, and how can we help if we have nothing to give. And we will have nothing to give, if we don’t first give to ourselves. Whether this is realizing that you can’t take too much on at one time or giving yourself deserved breaks or making sure you have a good time doesn’t really matter, as long as it allows you, as the individual to give back to yourself. I’m glad I took the time to write this all out. It will be nice to be able to look back on this and see what I’ve thought about and what this means.

Today is the best day in the world. I have finally finished my 3 substance abuse papers (one 5-7 pg, and two 3-4 pg papers) which were given no due date, which made them nearly impossible to time manage, despite the easy nature of the subject matter. Additionally, I have completed my Policy Impact on Agency paper, for which I wrote about VAWA (The Violence Against Women Act) of 1994. Incredibly interesting, but again, I’m not sure how I feel about the way I am learning about policy currently. What does this really mean? This means I have absolutely nothing to do until after fall break (unless I want to work ahead). That is the most relieving feeling ever.

All of this justly due relaxation comes at a perfect time. For those of you who do not know, after being released from the hospital, I was taken off meds (even the prophylactic antibiotics I’ve used since I was about 10), to see whether or not I had really improved or if the infection was simply hiding. In this process, either as a reaction to the antibiotic I was on, or further liver damage, many of my liver enzymes (ALT and AST for those of you who would like to research) had increased. As of last Friday (Oct 2nd) I was put back on antibiotics (zosyn) on what they call a 24 hour continuous infusion pump. This means since that Friday I have been connected to this adorable (not) machine and a bag of medicine 24 hours a day, except to shower and change clothes. It makes this awesome (also, not) noise when it infuses medicine into my blood that sounds like taking a camera taking a picture. It must always be with me. Needless to say, I have been incredibly stressed, and due to this I took a mental health day off of school on Monday, which allowed me to get so much accomplished (including much needed sleep). Other awesome things that have happened due to this include not being able to digest ANYTHING and losing hair. Obviously, I am in the best of moods. Supposedly, I will be taken off of meds next Friday (Oct 16), but as my levels have not actually decreased I am unsure as to what this means.

I am lucky. My practicum instructor at MOCSA is one of the most understanding people I have met, and our personalities mesh completely. Because of this, I am being given a lot of room to work around my illness (including leaving my internship early to get a CT scan done at almost no previous notice–for either myself nor my practicum), which has been a relief. I haven’t been volunteering as much as I would have liked, but as soon as this liver catastrophe calms down, hopefully I’ll be able to start doing that again. Anyway, this was a whole lot of information about something that may have been completely uninteresting, however, it does account for the explanation for why I haven’t written in such a long time. Hope all are well.

i fucking love what i’m doing at MOCSA, and hate school. i would love to update more, but am having a hard time finding the words for them. this weather is very comforting (meaning, i want to be in blankets and blankets, and THAT is comforting). i promise to write soon.

ps: to keep in more current contact with me, please check out my twitter. you can see updates about my life in 140 characters or less.

Rape victims are being turned away from Lawrence Memorial Hospital, and it’s creating a risk to the community, according to claims made by Douglas County District Attorney Charles Branson.

A series of events at LMH on Sunday sent the prosecutor over the edge. He said two college-age rape victims were told to go to out-of-town hospitals to be examined.

D.A. calls Lawrence Memorial Hospital turning away rape victims ‘unconscionable’ -LJ World

It’s so wonderful to love what you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life. At this point, I find most of my classwork redundant and uninteresting, which is bothersome. However, I love love love my practicum, and am excited I will be doing this for the next year.

So far, I’ve answered the crisis line, which is still unnerving every single time. However, most of the time it’s about information in the community. When it’s a survivor of sexual assault, I mostly talk about the services we provide and help direct him/her (although its all been females so far) to setting up appointments for group/individual therapy. I have yet to get a call that activates us for hospital/rape advocacy. That will be very intense.

Friday I drove to Independence, MO (really fucking far away) to give presentations to fourth graders about good, bad, and confusing touches. I was nervous, because I find that a) I was never very good at being a child and b) I have a hard time relating to small children. However, it was a lot of fun. It helped that the person training me was also a ton of fun.

At one point in the presentation, we have to ask the children if they can name one safe grown-up they could tell if they were having touching issues. And one of the children said, “Well, you know, my dog is always with me, and she protects me.” To which I said, “Well, that’s great that they help keep you safe, but we should probably find a grownup we can trust.” And another child adds, “Well, I have a pit bull and a golden retriever, and a lab, and you know, they bite people if they come too near.” To which I had to say, “Well, biting is not a good touch, so we should try to find a grownup we can tell.” Oh my god, so funny/cute.

I could really see this being a place I work for a living. MOCSA is such a supportive place to be. Everyone is very loving and friendly, and helpful. I cannot think of a better place to have a first practicum. I’ve already heard some horror stories, and I am not envious at all. Another benefit is that MOCSA will pretty much give me the opportunity to do anything I would like to do within their agency. Seriously, I LOVE IT.

Things I do not love: $ on gas, school (and stupid school work), this stupid central line in my arm (robot arms). However, good news is that my liver levels are going down–I’m on the road to recovery. Another thing I love is Yokohama sushi. Have I mentioned that they have happy hour (starting at 9 pm Sunday-Wednesday, 10 pm Thursday-Saturday), where if you spend $5 at the bar, you can get a variety of rolls for prices ranging from $2.99-$4.99 (appetizers $1.99!). Oh my god, it’s the best thing ever. Also, I made an 80’s music playlist, and that is ALSO the best thing ever.

Okay, I think I’ve finished my much needed update.

So, many of you know that I thought I had the flu. However, lucky me, I don’t have the flu. Instead, my liver is sick. I’m currently at KU Med, in Unit 51, room 5101. This is the trauma unit (for sexual violence and DV), so the floor is closed. You’ll have to pick up a phone on the side of the door. You can call for more details.

For those of you who don’t know, I have biliary atresia. It’s a congenital birth defect. I currently have a huge liver infection. Woo! You can find more info here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biliary_atresia

I will probably be in the hospital for the remainder of the week. I’m still not sure about school (and I’ve already called my practicum). I hope to see all of you soon. Call my cell if you want more info.

Yesterday was my first day of practicum–pretty much the one thing every social work student thinks about consistently during their entire degree. it’s a pretty important facet of the social work education–a good practicum facilitates your social work experience and really prepares you for the professional market. A bad practicum? Well, talk about demoralizing, difficult and inadequate to the learning experience.

But I was lucky; I’m pretty sure that I have a great practicum. As mentioned in many previous entries, I am going to be an intern at MOCSA (Metropolitan Organization to Counteract Sexual Assault). I will be doing a variety of things (so far as I know right now), and I would like to give you an overview of these things (taken directly from the MOCSA website).

• Participating in Community Education & Outreach: Presentations to children in grades ranging from pre-kindergarten to 5th grade concerning subjects such as good, bad and confusing touch, having someone safe to talk to, and how a child should always say no, get away and tell someone if they are experiencing confusing touch.

• Answering the 24-Hour Crisis Line Thursday from 1pm – 5 pm: A crisis line that covers both Kansas and Missouri where I will provide crisis intervention, information and referral services to victims of sexual assault and abuse, as well as their significant others. Often nurses or law enforcement will call us when a survivor is in need of immediate medical attention, and then I will go to the hospital in the metropolitan area (5 counties, 3 on the MO side, 2 on the KS) to help in advocacy during the ensuing medical evidence collection and the reporting process.

• Leading (eventually) the MIST Project (Mapping Individual Solutions to Trauma): This program offers a new curriculum  to address the impact of sexual violence across the life cycle of women and their families. In a 6-session therapeutic psycho-educational format delivered on-site in the community, the MIST Project helps women give voice to their concerns about sexual violence in their own lives; addresses the effects of sexual violence in the lives of their children and other family members; and empowers women to serve as resources to prevent and respond to sexual violence issues in their own communities. The MIST Project reaches women in their own neighborhoods to provide them with information, support, and a forum to discuss concerns about sexual violence and crimes such as stranger rape, acquaintance rape, stalking, traumatic sexual harassment, and the effects of child sexual abuse. In a small group setting, participants learn about the occurrence, prevention, effects, and treatment of these crimes. (I am SO excited about this).

• Attending meetings of the SART Team (Sexual Assault Response Team)

I’m not sure what else I’ll be doing yet. I have a variety of options and I can pretty much do whatever I wish in the agency. I’d like to see more of the therapy side of MOCSA since I plan on doing clinical social work next year. I have my own office (largish cubicle), my own phone number, and my own e-mail address (mchakrabarti@mocsa.org). Most of the people that work there are extremely friendly and excited to be doing the work they do (and not burnt out, which is so surprising/relieving). Oh, I’m so so excited!

As if gay marriage weren’t sweet enough already, Ben & Jerry’s and Freedom to Marry have teamed up to present us with “Hubby Hubby”, a renamed version of their popular peanut butter & pretzel-y ice cream.

via @Bitch Media, from here.