this is not what i want
and i hate everything about this moment.
every mirror is a mockery,
and i can hardly believe what i see.
i hate this prison,
i wish i could escape.
this apartment is empty, and alone.
this blog is one year and two days old.
this is pretty exciting.
that’s all i have to say right now.
i’m listening to radiohead,
and winter is here.
it’s unseasonably warm.
it’s going to be the loneliest winter of all,
if it’s how i imagine.
long distances and short roads.
i’m just going to sleep it away.
ps: it’s snowing on my page. did you notice?
also, it’s supposed to snow 1-3 inches tomorrow!
i can only think about bukowski.
regrets, passion, go go go, will do, am doing, cannot do.
I’m In Love
she’s young, she said,
but look at me,
I have pretty ankles,
and look at my wrists, I have pretty
wrists
o my god,
I thought it was all working,
and now it’s her again,
every time she phones you go crazy,
you told me it was over
you told me it was finished,
listen, I’ve lived long enough to become a
good woman,
why do you need a bad woman?
you need to be tortured, don’t you?
you think life is rotten if somebody treats you
rotten it all fits,
doesn’t it?
tell me, is that it? do you want to be treated like a
piece of shit?
and my son, my son was going to meet you.
I told my son
and I dropped all my lovers.
I stood up in a cafe and screamed
I’M IN LOVE,
and now you’ve made a fool of me. . .
I’m sorry, I said, I’m really sorry.
hold me, she said, will you please hold me?
I’ve never been in one of these things before, I said,
these triangles. . .
she got up and lit a cigarette, she was trembling all
over.she paced up and down,wild and crazy.she had
a small body.her arms were thin,very thin and when
she screamed and started beating me I held her
wrists and then I got it through the eyes:hatred,
centuries deep and true.I was wrong and graceless and
sick.all the things I had learned had been wasted.
there was no creature living as foul as I
and all my poems were
false.
-bukowski
[a part of me is so far from this,
chaos,
but mostly, i just hide it now.]